It's Been A Long, Long Time

When I woke up this morning, I checked my phone, as I usually do. A calendar reminder was waiting for me: "Diaversary 7/3/03." I had forgotten.

And that's part of what taking a break from the blog was all about. Yes, diabetes is a part of my life. I check my blood sugar (sometimes more often than others), I do multiple shots a day (I prefer to stick than to pump), and my endo and I are regular visit buddies. I take care of myself.

But the blog. The blog was helpful when I was starting out, because it helped me work through things in my head. I'm a writer and reader by instinct and by trade, so words on paper (or screen) have always been the most natural way for me to fully grasp and understand what's happening. I also liked reading other diabetes blogs, because I understood I wasn't alone, and other people had great advice (I still use the lancet someone recommended years ago when I was having problems with mine).

But the blog. The blog became too much of a soul-stealer. There were and are so many other things I wanted to do, to try, to accomplish. And slowly, after figuring out who I was as a diabetic and how diabetes fit into my life, I realized I could do those things, and I wanted to start doing them.

Yesterday, I got out of work early for the holiday weekend. I work a lot of hours, so the extra 2-1/2 hours of free time was a gift. In the past, when the blog was in full swing, I may have spent the time figuring out my next posts, taking photos, ruminating on what needles and tummy bruises mean to me. Instead, I took out a starter kit of watercolors, something I've always wanted to do, sat on my back deck in the late afternoon sunshine, and made a painting of the orange, pink and yellow flower basket hanging in front of me. Emma (my canine companion) was sitting on the deck next to me, and we both enjoyed every minute we spent getting speckled with paint.

My garden is beautiful, I'm several classes in to getting my masters degree, I'm planning my vacation in November (flights, time zones and everything), I hand-made 15 Christmas gifts last year, I spent an obnoxious amount of time picking out the perfect new chandelier for my living room, I'm an amateur expert in aromatherapy and I have a standing monthly massage appointment. My A1c is 7.1. It's a little higher than normal, but we've been making some insulin adjustments lately, and both my doctor and I are okay with that number.

I haven't given up being a diabetic (if only I could), or even a good diabetic. I've just integrated diabetes into my life the way it works best for me. It's there, I pay attention, but I don't let it consume me. Which happens too easily when I'm writing about it on a regular basis.

So.

Happy 12th Diaversary to me. I'll see you around the blogosphere. Sporadically. Very sporadically.

Apathetic

Again

I'm losing my hair. While I wish that was figuratively speaking, because the metaphors I could roll around in the hay with are so seductive, I mean that literally.

I did what every red-blooded girl with a centimeter of vanity would do and I Google'd my loss, expecting to find article after article backing my suspicion that I grow old, I grow old, I shall wear the bottoms of my trousers rolled and perimenopause is to blame. But the universe likes to test my limits and just generally fuck with my mind and the first link I clicked on stuck a dart in diabetes, saying this annoying little condition of mine can affect hormones and cause my tresses distress.

Based on other symptoms, I'm still inclined to believe I'm headed into perimenopause territory. But why did Google have to go and do that? Why can't I, just once, have some sort of mental, physical or emotional condition that can't be tied to diabetes? It's not even a pretty word, diabetes. It has no elegance or grace. But evidently, it has a list of side effects that is never-ending.

Moving

My instinct is to write "Moving On" or "Moving Forward," but in truth, I don't know if I'm doing either. I'm just moving.

Life can be complicated, and time can suck the life out of you, making you feel as if you have no permissions or rights granted; you only exist to mark its existence. Time waits for no man. Time will tell. Time after time.

Is there such a thing as a seven-year itch with diabetes? Seven and a half? Time goes by, and I go on, listening to the seconds tick and the minutes tock and the hours slam like a brick wall against every moment I try to claim as my own. Diabetes takes time. Time takes me.

I don't know where I'm going with this. I don't know where I want to wind up. I'm simply following a road and marking the miles. And I have miles to go before I sleep. (And miles to go...)

I thought about starting a new blog. A new chapter in the same life. But this isn't a new me. This is simply another part of me. So I'm continuing with this blog. I'm just writing it for myself now. A journal away from my journal. To keep that diabetes thing separated somehow. To give it a special place to take over as much of me as it wants, when it wants, without having to weave the test strips and the numbers and the apathy and the schedules and the bruises and the guilt and the gratitude and all of it through, around, in and out of my other bits and pieces. I write in a big black book with a fountain pen late at night about me. I type on a Mac with Georgia font in other hours about me and my diabetes.

Insert One Year Here

Diabetes Shots

I'M IN LOVE
Yes, with a gadget. I've been sort of anti-cell phone the last few years, having one only for emergencies. Then I started thinking maybe I'd like one that actually works. And I started having iPhone envy, gawking at strangers, demanding co-workers run me through a demo. And I bought one. And I can't put it down. My favorite health-related app? Rx Helper. It keeps track of all my prescriptions, the dosages, when the next refill is up, the pharmacy id numbers and all sorts of good info. It even keeps track of my dog Molly's medication and her syringe supply. It's pretty cool. I haven't found any diabetes-related apps that I really like yet, so if you've got one you think is the bee's knees, let me know.

Ho Ho Oh No

Yeah. That's me. The person who hasn't even started her Christmas shopping yet. Hasn't given more than 30 seconds thought to what I might get who or what. I did buy my tree, put it in the stand and water it. No ornaments or lights yet.

I just can't seem to get there, to get into my holly jolly mood. Mostly, it all just seems a little exhausting.

I'm not bah-humbuging. Really, I'm not. I like Christmas. I like wrapping presents. I like my tree. I'm just waiting for the spirit of the season to give me a shot in the arm (Wait, that's cupid, right? Wrong holiday! Could explain why I feel off....). I'm sure it will come. I just keep waiting.

And eating the Christmas cookies that keep showing up at work.

As always, more to come...

My New Best Friend

He's adorable, isn't he? And he helps a great cause, too! I was walking by Bloomingdale's (okay, taking a shortcut through a mall to avoid the bitter cold) and saw him in the window. Turns out he's pretty special—Bloomingdale's donates $5 for every one sold to JDRF. The bear is only $18 (highly reasonable for Bloomies), so I bought two. I know I'm giving one to a toy drive being sponsored by my husband's company. I thought maybe I'd give the other one to my cousin, who just had a baby. Or maybe my niece, who might still appreciate a stuffed animal at age 16. But. You know. He's really soft. And cuddly. And maybe 41 isn't too old to appreciate a good teddy bear either...

As always, more to come...

Diabetes Shots

LIFE IS AN ADVENTURE
Lora, with diabetes, on a camel, in Egypt (real pyramids, not a backdrop). I’m on my honeymoon (that’s the husband with me) and Cairo was a side trip from Athens. Diabetes may not take a vacation, but I do, and I go where I want, even the desert.

Diabetes Shots

SHOOTER
This lovely lime-green box should be filled to the brim with syringes, but alas, I’m in need of a diabetic supply order. There are only two bags left, 20 syringes. While I do have the Lantus SoloStar pens, my preference is to use the Lantus vials and a good old-fashioned syringe. Don’t know why, just do. Also, syringes are good to have on hand in case a pen malfunctions. I can still stick a syringe in the pen and get out the goods.

K2, This One's For You